I'm trying to get these up every week on a Tuesday. I've been thinking what to write about this week. Obviously last week was my journey with anxiety. It wasn't in much detail but if you want to read about it, you can do so, here. These blog posts are pretty open so it's hard for me to want to pour my heart out on certain areas of my life. I never want these posts to come across like "oh feel sorry for me!". It's really not a case of that I just want everyone to know, you can get through anything.
This week I guess I shall talk about my experience with an absent parent. My Dad left at the age of about 9 years old. He moved away abroad. I have rarely seen him for the last 10 years. When I have I've probably seen him for 10 hours total a year or every 2 years. At first we spoke every night on MSN. Now from the previous sentence you can tell that was quite a while ago, ha! Then it went to nothing... Sometimes I'd email him to see how he was doing. I guess deep down I missed him but everyday life, I could cope. It sounds sad, but now I've learnt to live without him. I've had to cope with not seeing him once in the past 4 years, I've had to learn.
My Mum has never swayed my opinion on my Dad. She's never once spoken about him in a negative way. I mean if it was my ex husband and he'd done what he'd done I'd have to bite my tongue so many times. She let me make my own mind up before sharing her opinions. Me and my Mum became so close in the year of 2013 when I was experiencing serious bouts of anxiety. She supported me so much and she was always there when I needed to cry about it all. My Dad didn't really have any idea what was going on. I had so much frustration, anger and resentment held towards him it was hard to even want to talk to him via Facebook.
It comes to my current situation now, I'm 19, my Dad is back in England, back in my home town. I'm currently not having contact with him face to face. I am trying my hardest to get the courage and enthusiasm to go and see him and to build a relationship. It's hard when you feel like someone is a total stranger... I always say to my Mum, if the opportunity to see him is there and I don't, I know if anything ever happened to him, god forbid it does, I'd regret not seeing him. That's where my fight comes from for me to go and see him. It's still a massive work in progress...
I know though I'll do it. I know I'll be brave enough. Humans can get through anything and I keep remembering this when my down days come where this whole situation overwhelms me.
IF YOU ENJOYED THIS YOU MAY ALSO ENJOY: HONESTY HOUR #1: MY JOURNEY
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